What Do Parents Need to Know About Teen Dating Violence?

 DATING VIOLENCE CAN TAKE MANY FORMS

• Physical: shoving, hitting, punching
• Verbal:  yelling, name-calling, put-downs
• Emotional:  spreading rumors, lying, possessiveness
• Sexual:  unwanted touching
• Psychological:  manipulation, mind games, guilt tripping
• Dating violence can even lead to rape and murder

MYTHS AND FACTS

“Oh, it’s not that serious.”

(More than 1 in 10 teens experience physical violence in a dating relationship)

“It only happens to kids from bad homes.”

(Dating violence can happen in all types of homes, and in families of all cultures, income levels and educational backgrounds. Teen dating violence is NOT limited to families with a history of violence)

“It can’t happen to my child.”

(Boys, as well as girls, can be victims of dating violence. It can occur in any type of relationship - heterosexual, gay, or lesbian.)

WHY TEENS DON’T TELL PARENTS OR FRIENDS ABOUT THE VIOLENCE

• They are afraid their parents will make them break up
• They are embarrassed and ashamed
• They are afraid of getting hurt by their partner
• They are convinced that it is their fault or that their parents will blame them or be disappointed
• They are confused—they may think this is what dating is all about
• They are afraid of losing privileges like being able to stay out late

TEENS MAY BE UNABLE TO SEE THE ABUSE

• They have little or no experience with healthy dating relationships
• They believe being involved with someone is the most important thing in their life
• They confuse jealousy with love
• They do not realize they are being abused
• They do not think friends and others would believe this is happening
• They have lost touch with friends
• They know that the abuser acts nice—sometimes

WARNING SIGNS OF BEING A VICTIM OF DATING VIOLENCE

Some of the following changes are just part of being a teenager. But, when these changes happen suddenly, or without explanation, there may be cause for concern:

• Sudden changes in clothes or make-up
• Bruises, scratches, burns, or other injuries
• Failing grades or dropping out of school activities
• Avoiding friends
• Difficulty making decisions
• Sudden changes in mood or personality, becoming secretive
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits, avoiding eye contact, having “crying jags”
• Constantly thinking about dating partner
• Wearing a beeper at partner’s request and responding immediately when paged
• Using drugs or alcohol
• Pregnancy – some teenagers believe that having a baby will help make things better; some girls are forced to have sex

TIPS FOR PARENTS

TIP:  It is never too early to teach self-respect. No one has the right to tell your teenager who to see, what to do, or what to wear. No one has the right to hit or control anyone else.

TIP:  Give your teenager a chance to talk. Listen quietly to the whole story.

TIP:  If you suspect that your teenager is already involved with an abusive partner, tell your teenager that you are there to help, not to judge.  If your teenager does not want to talk with you, help your teenager find another trusted person to talk with.

TIP:  Focus on your child; do not put down the abusive partner. Point out how unhappy your teenager seems to be while with this person.

TIP:  If your teenager tries to break up with an abusive partner, advise that the break be definite and final.  Support your teenager’s decision and be ready to help. Get advice from teen dating violence prevention hotlines or teen counselors how to support your child through a relationship break up.

TIP:  Take whatever safety measures are necessary. Have friends available so your teenager does not have to walk alone. Consider changing class schedules or getting help from the guidance counselor, school principal, or the police if necessary.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR TEEN

• “I care about what happens to you. I love you and I want to help.”
• “If you feel afraid, it may be abuse. Sometimes people behave in ways that are scary and make you feel threatened – even without using physical violence. Pay attention to your gut feelings.”
• “The abuse is not your fault. You are not to blame, no matter how guilty the person doing this to you is trying to make you feel. Your partner should not be doing this to you.”
• “It is the abuser who has a problem, not you. It is not your responsibility to help this person change.”
• “It is important to talk about this. If you don’t want to talk with me, find someone you trust and talk with that person.  You can also talk to someone at a hotline who can help you sort things out.”

DATING VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBERS AND RESOURCES FOR TEENS

• Dating Violence Intervention Project Crisis Hotline, 617-661-7203
• D.O.V.E. Youth Hotline (Domestic Violence Ended), 617-773-HURT
• Peer Listening Line, Fenway Community Health Center (for gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered youth), 800-399-PEER
• REACH, 800-899-4000
• The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474 and TTY 1-866-331-8453
  www.loveisrespect.org
• The domestic violence officer at your local police department

 RESOURCES FOR TEENS

• Massachusetts Drug and Alcohol Hotline, 800-327-5050
• Gay and Lesbian Helpline, 617-267-9001
• National Runaway Switchboard (Greyhound Home Free Program), 800-621-4000
• DSS Abuse/Neglect Hotline, 800-792-5200
• Boston Area Rape Crisis Center Hotline, 617-492-RAPE
• Youth Only AIDS Line, 800-788-1234

(Adapted from pamphlets, “Teen Dating Violence,” Carole Sousa with Mass. Chapter, American Academy of Pediatrics and Mass. Medical Society, and “Teen Dating Violence Resource Guide,” Newton-Wellesley Hospital in support of Newton Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Intervention Programs)

For more information or to discuss domestic abuse concerns please contact Partners Employee Assistance Program at 1-866-724-4EAP.

  Safelink: a 24 hour Hotline for Information and Referral Call 1-877-785-2020

If you need Immediate Assistance, dial the police at 911